Blargh...

Recently, I’ve been dreaming about a lot of random things. I say “a lot,” but to be perfectly honest, that’s a wee bit of an understatement. I’ve been dreaming about going back to the States, staying in Japan, the future, questions people might ask me about everything, etc. The short list above is an edited and modified version of the original. Most of what was written first doesn’t need to be shared, so be happy with what you’ve got now. However, I’d like to expound on one of those things: “questions people might ask me…” One of those questions was a bit of an inquiry as to the nature of me. To be perfectly sincere, it became quite the monologue. However, I impressed myself with how genuine and upfront I was in my response. So, I’ve opted to share a bit/a lot of what I said.

My name is Jesse Ammon Holyoak. I’m a simple, yet remarkably complicated creature. I’ve been living abroad in Japan for the last little bit and it was during that stay I really learned some things about myself. Most important of these discoveries was my realization of what I truly want. I want to fall deeply in love with someone. I want to fall so completely that they become my world, my life. I want to be loved as deeply by this someone as I want to love them. I want to wake up on the couch after a long movie night and see this someone, standing in the hallway, wearing naught but my shirt, messing with the thermostat. I want to sit next to them at the kitchen bar, eating cereal in the morning, both of us still wearing what we slept in. I want to discover and revel in the myth known as “making love” rather than just having sex. Above all else, I just want to be a good husband and father.
Despite these desires, commitment absolutely terrifies me. It isn’t due to my fear of being reined in or restrained, but it has everything to do with my fear of completely messing it up. I am scared of losing something so precious, something I put all my emotions and energy into. I’m horrified by the possibility of it blowing up in my face, so I am hesitant to even reach for it.

The monologue continued on for several more pages, were I to write it all down, so I'll end it with that part there. It's an interesting thing to see yourself answering questions like that, due to the fact it's as though it's news to you as well. The subconscious mind is a brilliant and beautiful thing.